so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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