drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
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I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
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FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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