I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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