It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
