I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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