some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
