I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
