got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
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He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
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I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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