having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
