I wish I could teleport
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I fill condoms, not promises.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
