so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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