You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
we're making bets on your personal life
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?