And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
