i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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