just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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