What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
