Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
