The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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