I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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