I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
