3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize
