My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
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I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
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