Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I am available for nakedness