if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records