I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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