can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.