dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
