Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
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Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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