i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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