What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
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his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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