I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
