Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
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Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
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While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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