Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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