And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.