her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
