Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
