You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
