totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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