i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
this beer tastes like vomit already
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
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My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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