AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
