Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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