He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
