I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
