The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
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He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
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I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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