Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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