just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died