Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.