My Higher Power is John Stamos
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.