if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
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Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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