All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
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And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
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He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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