So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You pole danced in your parka.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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