Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
