i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
should my penis look like a turkey
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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