do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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